Post-post-partumToday is the 49th day of my maternity leave. Hannah is getting chubbier by day, and more responsive too J Alhamdulillah. And myself, I feel much better now. I remember the day of my operation. Right after the operation, till the next few hours, I felt horrible – nauseous, back pain and abdominal cramps (plural for emphasis!). The next day, when my milk flow started to pick up, along started the obligatory nipple cracks again. The piercing pain everytime I fed by baby, only Allah knows. I even dreaded the feeding times. I tried giving myself some solace by remembering Alam Nashrah. Allah said “with hardship comes ease, with hardship comes ease”. I knew that it was just temporary, so hang on there, Sep!
This was my third delivery, and my third Caesarian. I used to think that vanity fades as you age. But surprisingly, that’s not my case. I’m finding that I become more beauty-conscious as the number adds. After Soraya was born, I didn’t care much about the “pouchier” belly. My husband didn’t seem to mind too, so that was fine with me. Even when my aunts commented that my thighs were huge, I didn’t seem to care much (well, a bit, yes. But not like it’s the end of the world kind of feeling). I couldn’t find a pair of jeans that could fit me. They never got past my thighs!
After Khadeeja was born, I became somewhat more concerned. I tried to be more disciplined with bengkung, although I didn’t wear it every day. I became more committed to my resolution to breastfeed as long as I could. I remember being very self-conscious during the first few days back in the office. I felt fat. Allah is definitely the best organizer of our lives. He heard by silent pleas, He sent help in the form of my husband’s new hobby – jogging. I tagged along. Khadeeja was 1 then. Coupled with determined breastfeeding + BM expressing, I was my fittest ever (albeit the stubborn pouch of a belly, unfortunately)! And it was post-Khadeeja that I also invested in corsets.
Post-Hannah. I am my most conscious ever. I’m super-concerned with my “pouchierer” belly. That is with me wearing bengkung 24/7 throughout my confinement! Maybe I was made this way, to have this belly. When PCMC bengkung didn’t seem to work fine, I bought the caesarian bengkung on the internet. When that did not work either, I couple my bengkung with the bodysuit corset I bought earlier. That does not work too. I’m dreading returning to office with this belly. What shall I do? Shall I go to office wearing the corset? How to do I go to the toilet to pee (or do number two?). Upon consultation, a friend suggested that I buy a corset similar to hers – with bigger pee hole she says, Ha Ha. I’m telling you, this thing is really occupying my mind!
When I sit back and reflect, this seems really funny actually. Why am I so concerned anyway? I always tell myself that I believe firmly with Allah’s pre-set rezeki for all of us. If Allah says I have a pouchy belly, I have a pouchy belly. Why should I fret so much? Allah also says that we must follow the concept of tawakkal, i.e. I can always try ways to get rid of this pouch. Corsets? Go on, try that if I can afford. Exercise? By all means, as long as it can anatomically be done post-caesarian. Good diet? Of course, I should be doing that anyway. If I still have a pouchy belly after all that, then I should remember that that’s given by Allah. I should be grateful, Alhamdulillah.
So this is my resolution, although I feel horribly self-conscious about my looks post-post-partum, I will try to be at peace with it (cos what I am is Allah-given), but at the same time, do my best of my ability, the best that my confined life will allow, to take the best care of myself (getting rid of my pouchy belly included…)!
…and I resolve to stick to my resolution, to the best of my ability… J